I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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