I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
