Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
