Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
