I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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