ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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