I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we should paint friendship bongs
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