Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
