Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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