"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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