please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
