I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
