"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
