my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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