i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
