What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
