I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
