apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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