I wish life had little blips of pornography
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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