My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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