I showed him my bush... on skype.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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