I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
