I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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