I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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