I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize