your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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