it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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