Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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