but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
