My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
