All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
