It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
