I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize