3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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