I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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