Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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