I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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