Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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