Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
