I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
