Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize