I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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