Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
