Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
