i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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