My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
