my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
