I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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