i already hear my dad disowning me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
