I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Randomize
