I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
