He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
