I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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