im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
