Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
