well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
