I am midnight drunk by noon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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