I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
