Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
