I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I have post one night stand depression
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