Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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