How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
